TMI Thursday: At Least I Didn't Drown

The Last Virgin On Earth, Lilu says: ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!***

Ok, people.  I have actually told this story to several people over the past couple of weeks.  I guess it’s time to share it with you!

It is summertime in Atlanta.  This means it is hot and sticky and sometimes unbearable.  We do not have a body of water nearby, unless you count Lake Clara Meer, which there is no way in hell I consider it a place to play and cool off.  I wouldn’t dip a dead crack head prostitute’s big, fungusy toe in the water there (let alone fish!  EWWWW!).  So, yeah.  Unless you wanna travel for a ways (see:  my day trip to Tybee) you would hafta go to the water park, which does have the Atlanta Beach…which isn’t a beach.

Ok, so yeah.  This is a story about a long, long time ago and the water park.

You ready?  Here we go:

A long time ago I went to the water park, White Water.  I think this was the first time I had ever been to this particular water park, so I was pretty excited.  I cannot remember who I went with, though.  Hmm….they must not have been very important to this story.  Well, it doesn’t involve them at all, actually.  Anyway, I was soooo excited.  I went out and bought a new bikini and all that jazz.  I packed a little bag containing suntan oil (no SPF) and a towel (that I didn’t actually ever use) and some money to get into the park and then rent a little locker to put said towel, oil and money into.  For some reason I think I had bought one of those waterproof disposable cameras, also, but if I did I musta lost it because I don’t have the pictures from that day.  Which is fine.  The memory is enough for me.

Ok, so I tried all sorts of rides.  I did the lazy tubing river thingy around the park.  I did the little two person raft rides down the tubes.  I played on the “beach”.  I had a lot of fun!  But the ride I really wanted to try, the one that looked the most fun, the most daring, the one calling my name…well it was staring down at me, just waiting.  And I decided to go for it.  Whoever I was with said that there was no way in hell they were going to get on it.  So we made an agreement to meet up at another ride after I was done.  With.  The.  Dragon's Tail. 

Let me tell you about this ride:  it’s fast.  It has three bumps in it.  And it’s long.  And it drops you into a fairly deep (not really deep, but at this time it seemed really freaking deep) pool at the end of the line.  No rafts are involved.  The way it works is you trudge up to the top, wait your turn, then climb up on the slide and sit down.  The dood at the top of the slide gives you the instructions to keep your legs straight forward, cross your arms over your chest like you’re dead and then wait for the go ahead.  So, I get the go ahead.  And I start to go down the slide.  And it is not comfortable at all.  In fact, the bump parts are slightly painful on the back.  But that wasn’t what was wrong.  About halfway down I realized that something was VERY WRONG.  And there wasn’t anything at all I could do about it.  Yet. 

**commercial break**

Ok, so there I was, going down the slide and knowing something was wrong.  And then the ride was over.  I was in the pool.  I had another dood at the end of the pool waving for me to hurry up and get out of the way of the bottom of the slide and hurry up and get out.  But I wasn’t moving fast.  And there was no way in hell I was going to be getting out of the pool at that moment.  Oh, no.  I had to take care of something first.  I know, I know.  You are probably thinking, “oh, did your top come off?”  The answer is no, the top was still intact.  What had happened was the speed I was going down the slide, mixed with the rushing water, had caused a massive wedgie.  But that wasn’t all.  It also caused a massive melvin. 

Melvin?  What’s a melvin, you ask?  Well, let me tell you:

A melvin is when you get a front wedgie.  You know, a wedgie that nudges itself uncomfortably between your labia majora.  And in my case, between the labia majora AND the labia minora.

So in essence I had what I would like to call a “meldgie”.  And it wasn’t cool.  And I couldn’t, I just couldn’t get out of the pool like that.  So I am trying to swim to the edge.  And pick this spandex underwear outta my private lady bizniz while a bunch of people are standing along the edge of the pool.  Ho-my-god-it-hurt. 

And the worst part is that some people did see.  I mean, how in the hell can they not?  I was thrashing around in the water, with my hands down the front of my bikini bottoms, looking like I was totally trying to get myself off. 

I am totally afraid to go back to that water park. 

But at least I didn't drown.  Or get e.coli.

Comments

[LiLu]

I am totally a virgin.

I've had the meldgie... it is HORRIBLE, especially when you're in a situation where you can't properly "fix" it...

[Jill Pilgrim]

I was thrashing around in the water, with my hands down the front of my bikini bottoms, looking like I was totally trying to get myself off.

Most hilarious visual ever.

[Patrick]

As a guy I am digusted and interested by this story.

[mylittlebecky]

hee hee, a meldgie! that makes me giggle.

[Zandria]

Bwahahaha! I can totally picture you trying to dig that thing out of there while trying to maintain a shred of dignity... :-)

[Stephanie]

I changed one little thing and my comment disappeared....anyhoo, I commented back to all you guys...lets just say "I agree"