I Am *THAT* Driver

Just so everyone knows, I am that driver you hate.

I am the driver that goes just the speed limit, sometimes even slower.

On the flip side, I am also the driver that pisses you off by speeding up.  You know, the one that you ride my ass, frustrated, for a while, then when you try to go around me I speed up and then pace the car that you are now behind?  Yep, that’s me.  I am trying to keep you safe by making you go the speed limit.

I am also the driver that flips you off when you go speeding around me.

I am also the driver that smiles and waves to you when you flip me off for going too slow.

I am the driver that stays a couple of car lengths behind the person in front of me.  I am the driver that slows down if the person in front of me slows down.  I will occasionally tap my brakes if it appears I am closing in to quickly to the car in front of me. 

I am the driver that allows others to pull out of side streets and parking lots.  I am the driver that allows people to change lanes.  I have even been known to be the driver that will slow slightly to allow cars from an ending lane to merge.

All in all I am a pretty nice driver. 

Because of this I will have no problem giving you the American One Finger Salute when you do stupid things, such as cutting me off too closely, not allowing me to change lanes or merge, speeding up when you see me engage my blinker, making a left hand turn that leaves you blocking an entire intersection, riding my ass to the point that I can see what you had for breakfast/lunch/dinner/between-meal-snacks in your teeth, placing dogs in the bed of your pickup truck then barreling down the freeway, not using turn signals (especially when I am waiting to turn and you don’t have the decency to let me know I can), coming over into my lane, not going through a GREEN light, slamming on your brakes every five seconds, riding your brakes, creeping at an annoying speed (trust me, if you miss your turn, you can always backtrack), etc, etc, etc.

I will not only give you “the finger” but I might even yell, point, memorize your tag number (in case I call the 5-0 on you).  I have been known to scream and call people the Big “C” word out the window in the summer when everyone has their windows down (you know what I am talking about…the one that rhymes with “punt” and “stunt” and “blunt” and “runt”).  I am the person that calls the number on the “How Am I Driving?” stickers and report how you are driving.

And do you knew why I can and will always be able to do these things no matter how much you hate the way I drive?

BECAUSE:  I leave early enough.  That’s why. 

Grind that around in you head for a while.

Comments

[inkpuddle]

I never leave early enough. I don't know how it happens - I try to leave early, really, I do - but I wind up crunched for time every. damn. time. anyway. Usually it's the dogs, doing something dumb right as I'm trying to walk out the door. Maybe I should start planning for THAT too ...

[Stephanie]

Exactly! See, you get up really, really early, like several hours early, and then you get to where you need to be early or on time! Simple! Then you can piss off everyone else!

[verybadcat]

You're so mean! It's not my fault, I try to leave on time, I really do. But my shirt is weird or I can't find my shoes and the trash has to go out or I forget my headset and have to run back in for it or I'll die.

I'll let you merge, I won't cut you off, I'm not mean, I just have to speed or I'll never get anywhere remotely close to when I'm supposed to.

Please let me risk fiery death if it means my therapist doesn't get pissy with me for being late to my appointment or my teacher fussed at me for being tardy to class. Please?

[Stephanie]

I think that's more of an organizational/time management issue....

[Jenny, bloggess]

I'm the person who can't see the exit sign because she's stuck behind a semi and then when she does see it she swerves over too fast and scared everyone else in the lane. I apologize for that. I blame the semi driver.

[Stephanie]

Well, it's ok for you to do it because you get lost easily! So we give you an out!