As That Special Little Twinkle In Our Eye, Lilu says:
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!***
Ok, because, once again, I have not done a TMI Thursday in a while I decided to go outside of the "Lilu Group" and have someone else write a TMI! Exciting, no?
So I present you with Danish Muffin (I iz suddenly hongries for pastries!), a sweety that is overseas playing Soldier. So when you read this you can silently thank him for being over there drinking Coke LIGHT while you pour more Jack into your DIET Coke.
Here is his story:
So in the truest form of too much information, I would like to express a short coming of age tale that hopefully will make you laugh and in the end, reflect back to your own life for inspiration and good times, as well as overcoming small hurdles that make you a better person. This story is one that I can honestly say, was the truest form of me expressing my duties and loyalty to upholding "Man Law" in it's purest form. You may find this selfless act of manism under chapter 3 section 2.5a in the Man-Law handbook, this section is formidably known as the "bros before hos" act.
Years ago, I moved in with my mother in Cheyenne, Wyoming from Southern California, having a strict father, I was forced to be that kid in school with the over sized backpack, parted hair, tear drop bifocal glasses, shorts above the knee, no car, no real girlfriend, high tops and was only allowed to skateboard if I was wearing my knee and elbow pads and helmet. Truth be told, I know it's hard for most people to fathom, but I was the dorky kid in high school. So I moved to Wyoming where most people have never heard of the sun, let alone someone that is from a state full of it. I'm not sure if it was my tan or what, but I untucked the shirt, spiked my hair and all the sudden, I had girls swooning. So I started dating one of them and we were hot and heavy for about 8 months.
During this time, I started meeting some cool people, playing guitar in bands, working at subway. I even got one of my best friends, Kevin, to start working there with me. Often times, Kevin and I would hang out in the back of subway skateboarding or just generally doing nothing that we were supposed to be doing. When all of the sudden, the manager installed a closed circuit security camera system. so we thought it would be funny to play to the camera as often as possible. We tried re-enacting the civil war, fighting with loafs of bread and olives (what can I say, it's a small town and there are 5 subways, we weren't always the busiest) So one day Kevin and I were on the closing shift at Subway and my girlfriend of 8 months walks into the store during a slow time where no one was coming in and says to me the lines EVERY guy hates hearing, "We need to talk!"
So my heart rate starts to beat faster, my palms get sweaty, I start going over in my mind how I'm going to explain whatever I did wrong. Honestly, I was thinking about all the bad shit that might have happened at the time and how I was going to deny everything (as told in chapter 8 in the "Man-Law" handbook for emergency situations). So I tell Kevin that I am going to go talk to my girlfriend and if he can watch the front, he say that's fine and she stops and says, "no, I need to talk to Kevin too, he should hear this as well." So now I'm feeling fairly confused. So I went with it thinking, oh man, maybe she wants to tell us something totally cool! And then the girlfriend spoke these fateful words, "I have Chlamydia!"
Now, a lot goes through a man's mind when a girl tells him this, like, how did you get it? does this mean we're breaking up? what are some steps you're going to take to fix this? why are you telling me in front of Kevin?
Well, the answers to that were talked about in the conversation that I had with her later that night. The story goes like this, "blah blah blah, I'm fucking Kevin and all the guys in your band, blah blah blah, I'm a dirty tramp!" So she leaves and I am stuck still working with my bro all night and we talk about how it happened and so on and so forth. I was pretty pissed at him, but he only did one offense, she did like 80. So from there I told Kevin, hey man, we need to go get tested, he agreed and we picked a time to go down to the free health clinic to get tested.
Getting rodded is one of the most excruciatingly painful ordeals a man can go through in his life. Having a metal rod with a Q-tip end shoved up your pee-hole the length or you penis is not my idea of a great time. I know anyone out there reading this right now that has had it can sympathize. I was rodded and released, then it was Kevin's turn, he comes out 30 minutes later looking like he's in excruciating pain. I asked him what happened and he said that after he was rodded, the nurse was trying to put the Q-tip in the bag and accidentally dropped it on the floor, so she had to do it twice. I have never laughed so hard in my life and thus started believing and understanding the true meaning of Karma and the "what goes around, comes around" theory.
I broke up with that girl immediately after that night and forgave Kevin because I would rather have my friend around than a cheating hoochie. We never spoke of it again, our results showed up to a friend's mom's house a few weeks later, we were both given a bill of clean health which we celebrated by eating Subway sandwiches.
Years later, Kevin passed away from an overdose, I hadn't been in town for about 5 years and had been pretty distant from everyone in Wyoming, So I went back for his funeral and at the reception, people were all telling stories about how amazing Kevin was and how awesome he has been. I proceeded to tell this story that you just heard. I was a bit tipsy and forgot that his parents were there as well as his grandparents and all his friends, however, afterwards, his mother came up to me and said, Dane, feel free to never tell that story again. He was a good boy and is gone now, no one needs to hear about made up stories just because you and him stopped talking.
So here I am telling you a few lessons learned,
1. Don't ever try to tell stories involving your penis at your good friends funeral reception
2. Always follow Man-Law, it was put into effect for a reason
3. Bros before Hos
4. understand that at times, people make mistakes, nobody is perfect, forgiving is one of the greatest things a person can do, accept the things you cannot change.




